El Diablo: The Big Red Lucario
by TheG0AT
Summary: What if I wrote a gruesome badfic—an absolute affront to God—and published it? ...Nahh that would be crazy... right? I mean, I guess I'd do it if you wanted me too... no jk jk, I would never do that, hahahaa... unless?
1. The Fight

TheGOAT here.

You know what I love? Satire. And you know what else I love? Catching people waaaay off guard. So here you go! :)

Oh, and the best way to read this fic? Try sitting down with a bunch of friends, grabbing some snacks, and then conjure your best fake accents for a large-scale dramatic reading.

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Chapter 1 - The Fight

One day there was a village of Lucario's and it was full of Lucario's. The ruler King was out on a daily stroll with his beautiful wife (A/N: she is a pink Lucario, I know thats not a normal color for Lucario but this is my headcanon so lots of different colors are possible) when suddenly! A wild hoerd of Electrode, our worst enemy, sworn to kill or be killed until the end of time!

I heard the booms go off and that's how I knew we were in trouble, all of the Lucario in the village fight the Electrode outside as I. A little baby riolu. Watched them smack around the rolling balls with their bone rushes while I could do nothing because my mom told me to stay indoor. I was so scared because I didn't want to, gasp!

**KERBOOM!**

An Electrode rolled in with Voltorbs behind it, my dad screamed at my mom "Run take the baby and hide" and then she grabbed me and ran. I looked behind me and saw my dad get his legs blown off Vietnam style and that was the last I saw of him forever

"Go get them they are running away" one of the balls said, but my mom had escaped or so I thought.

"Prepare to… DIE!" said screaming Voltorb as it yote towards her. Whiteness came off the evil beast as it screamed, as it exploded on her chest and splattered all over mee . I was soaked to the bone in… oh Arceus, I was covered in my mothers BLOOD!

I hit the ground and shook my fist at the sky, cursing the name of every god, but the fight was over and it didn't matter. I was the only survivor, I gathered up my things and walked into the forest, feeling sad that my family and village were gone forever probably.

"I want fucking die!"

Then, a Mightyena found me and said "You look tasty, I will eat you"

Then he looked closer and sniffed me, "Eww is that blood, no matter I will enjoy this snack even more"

I screeched and thought of all the times the kids at school made fun of me, those _fucking bastards_, and then thought of the Electrode and how much I hated them and hated my parents for dying and leaving me and how much I hated myself for being too week to stop theme

"AUUUURRREGAAAAH!"

I screeched and then began to glow RED. The mighteyana stepped away and got scared but I was too fast for him, I was now a… a… a LUCARIO! But with longer spikes and big thigh muscles and cornrows on my head that hung down to where my aura sensors were.

I grabbed the Mighteyana and ripped him in two, then threw each half of him as far away as possible, then another bunch of them revealed themselves and I prepared an aura sphere but they started cheering

"What is the meaning of this?" I said harshly and harshly.

"Youve defeated our old leader who was a tyrant and nobody liked! You shall be our new alpha dog!"

I smiled evilly the sound of that, my new powers could really be put to use with an army of slave dogs behind me. I pulled my bone rush out and extended it high in the air, swinging it around so all could see I was the true leader now.


	2. True Love

Chapter 2 - True Love

"Ahhhhhh" I groaned after I got done raping a poor Mareep who was stupid enough to cross the path of the great El Diablo. Yes that was my new nickname now that I was the strongest Lucario in the world. (A/N: it means the devil in Spanish) I was Red now because my mother's blood had been infused with my body when I evolved, which made me look big and scary and frighten off most pokemon, but not this time.

"No please I didn't mean to steal your food!" The mareep (A/N: fyi it's the one who was just raped) cried but I didn't care. I brought my massive thighs up in the air and smacked my knee down on the theefs juguler. "I don't tolerate stealing motherbitch" I hissed as it's brain matter splattered up on me. It didn't matter because I was always covered in blood because of my mother, so I didn't even wash off

One of my mighteyana dogs ran up to me panting hard from running hard. "My King we have a problem, there are a Gardevoir and a Gallade in the forest and they are tresspassing"

"That's El Diablo to you, slave" I didn't need to hear anymore. kicking the dog out of my way with my massive thighs, I went to find the intruders to teech them a lesson! Then I found them because I could sense there aura.

The Gallade held his blades up "You stay away from my beutaiful wife, she's mine"

I roundhouse licked his head off his body with the power of my gargantuan thighs and took his Gardevoir wife by the paw, er hand. "You're very pretty," I said, noticing she was beautiful and red like me

"You just killed my husband," she said. "But I will go with you if you prove you are worthy"

"What must I do, m lady?"

She pointed at the scary mountain in the horizon. "Climb that mountain and get me the treasure at the top. Then you will be my husband and I will show you a good time forever and ever."

She kissed me and giggled and teleporting away, I assuming to wait for me. It was time to get that treasure and please the love of my life.


	3. The Trial of Love

Chapter 3 - Trial of Love

Channeling the power of my colossal thighs, I lept into the sky, landed on top of the mountain with only a few jumps.

"El Diablo, away!" I declared as I went air born.

Ho-Oh was waiting for me at the top and I looked at him

"Got something up your feathery ass?" I said grinning because it made the bird mad.

"Why you little" Ho-Oh used Fire Flamethrower with a z crystal but it hardly affected me, because fire is red and I am red too

"You only give me power!" I screamed, then I grabbed my wrist spike and pulled it off which hurt (but it was nothing compared to the scars that were already there), I threw it at Ho-Oh's neck and it peersed through all the way, splattering blood and feathers everywhere.

"You have defeated me," Ho-Oh said with its dying breaths, "here take my treasure, it is yours"

"Thank you. Now die slowly

I then ran down to Gardevoir and presented her the gift (first however I had to kill Lugia who was mad about Ho-Oh's her brother's death, but it was easy). I kneeled down and held out the fire jewel.

"G-g-Gardevoir" I sobbed trying holding back the flood of emotions "W-will you merry me?"

"Of course I will" she kissed me and we made out for a while and then went off and so we could consume eight our relationship. "By the way my name is Jennifer, what's yours?"

I smiled and said "El Diablo!"

She smiled and said "nice name!"

I smiled and said "thanks!"

We smiled at each other and then did the thing. I was tired after giving her insides all of my load, which I could tell she found really hot. I thought she was hot too. Then we went to sleep, thinking about our future kids together and all of the fun times ahead.

Was I happy? No that wasn't possible because I was never happy.


	4. Wait, KIDS?

ᴾˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵏᶦˡˡ ᵐᵉ

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Chapter 4 - Wait, KIDS?

I put my thingy in my wonderful red sexified Gardevoir wife's thingy, we it was time for making the kids. Any KING like me needs kids to carry on there legacy and I was no acception.

Jennifer (A/N: what a beautiful name) said "Ooh my stomach hurts I think i am having a baby" then she went to the nurse Mighteyena who looked her over.

"I think you are having a baby, push push," and then my beautifel wife pushed and the egg came out.

I rubbed my chin with one of my spikes "Why does it look like that?" asked the nurse.

The nurse's eyes went wide. "This is no ordinary egg!" she said "This egg is red and hot to the touch"

Jennifer became worried. "Maybe we should try again?" she said

"NO" I screamed "This is my son and I will nerture him forever," I ran away mad and angry at her for saying such a thing. I took the egg with me to and I climbed a tree

Then the egg started shaking in my hands and I gasped.

"Riolu rioluuuuu," The riolu said, which I was disappointed but still happy as a father to discover was a girl that was now my daughter. She was red like me and her eyes were red as well

"Hello I am your dad," I gently told her. "What's your name little one?"

She looked at me so I said "I think I'll call you Aria! Come with me to meet your mother"

I was still mad at Jennifer but I didn't have time to think about that because Aria burned down the tree we were in. She was a fire type holy guacamole!

Jennifer walked up and saw her daughter and picked her up in her arms. "Your so beautiful" then she walked up to me and I crossed my arms, mad but not gonna dump her since she was my baby's momma now. "Hey I'm sorry for what I said I was wrong and I don't know what id do with out you."

I decided I would have mercy on her even though shed shown her worthless women qualities and probably would not be a good parent, but I didn't care I would take care of this child myself. "It's ok but if you question me again we will have problums."

"Ok Dio," she said. I looked at her funnily "Dio?" "Yeah Dio hee hee it's you're new nickname!"

Then Jennifer went back home to breastfeed the child Aria, and I followed so I could watch.


	5. Triumph

Chapter 5 - Triumph

"It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up." – Inspirational Quote by Vince Lombardi

The Yveltal of this world had arrived and his name is Jonathan Keegan. That bastard came down and stole my daughter Aria from me later that night, which made me so mad that I vowed to get my revenge one day!

A dream I'd once had flashed back before my eyes, I had the day before my parents were killed in front of me and I became el Diablo: I dreamed that the evil bully Jonathan Keegan fought with all the other legendary type bullies and nearly died but then I gave him power in my dream and he was able to win. We were friends but then he turned his back on me and I hated him now. Now I regret that because he took my daughter, I knew I never should've trusted him in dreamland or in the reality world

Jennifer screamed in agone and cut her wrists while I thought about gathering supplies for my quest but ultimately didn't because I was strong as it was. And a good parent because I was going to save my sunshine Aria no matter what it took!

I traveled to his lair which was located on a trech airous volcano and used the power of my humungous thighs to leaped up to the top, dodging lava and death all the way up to the top where he was waiting

"Ah you're come," he said when he saw me land, which caused the ground around us to crack and the volcano to shake (me landing did that, NOT his voice).

"I will put an end to this madness," I said. "This is the last time you will EVER bully me or my family!"

Jonathan held my daughter above the lava and smiled evilly "Youre too late El Diablo, you can't save her" then he dropped her and I fell to my knees and screamed in pure disrepair "I'll KILL YOU"

I whipped out my bone rush and leapt at him swinging the extended bone at his face, which hurt him. He tried to use his signature move on me, wen suddenly! Aria fell out of the lava and landed on his head, she was completely on fire but not hurt at all!

"YOU WILL DIE FOR HURTING DADDY!" Aria said as the lava covered Jonathan Keegan and he died a painful and slow death burning in the lava, each mollycule of his body burning him alive into a crisp snack which Aria and I then carried back to my kingdom for everyone to feast on.

My beautiful red Gardevoir wife stopped cutting her wrists when we got back and hugged her daughter Aria. "Oh thank Arceus Im so happy your safe!"

"I missed you Momma" aria giggled, she was now a lava Riolu so Jennifer couldn't hold her for too long for the lava would get in her open wounds, but she didn't care she was just happy. I smiled at my beautiful family, I had everything I could ever ask for and more and even felt a little happy

Exhausted from defeating my arch nemesis I collapsed onto the bed and fast asleep. Overall a successful day


	6. School SUCKS

Chapter 6 - School SUCKS

Five years passed and we went to a new village of Lucario's where I settled down with my family and we lived a life.

I went to enroll Aria (my daughter. not the one from the XYZ anime) in school, but she didnt want two go.

now its Arias POV:

Aria looked aall around and gasped. "I'm the main character now!" said Aria. "This is mega cool!"

"Shut up" El Diablo (wow it feels weird not being in first pearson anymore) commanded his daughter. "Don't brake the fourth wall in MY story. You will go to school and you will LIKE it."

Aria huffed defiantly and stormed off to school. When she got there she met a cute boy named Joe. "Hi Joe, what's your name?"

"My name is Joe." he told her as he walked up to tell her his name. Aria's eyes ejected from her eye sockets in the form of hearts as she liked Joe and thought Joe was really hot (A/N: which is saying something since she was a lava type Riolu and was already really hot).

Aria blushes even though she is red and thankfully Joe cannot see her blush because she is red. Joe says "We'll, I have to go class" and walks away.

Aria blushes even harder even the sound of his voice made her feel things. Anyway she walked to class and discovered that she was in class with a bunch of other Riolu. Then a bitchy vomit-colored Riolu walks in and shoves Aria "hey bitch your in my seat"

Aria was mad and cried but the tears burned up because she was a lava lucario, she wanted to fight the bitch riolu but knew if she did she'd kill her and then El Diablo would do unspeakable things to her.

"You are lucky" Aria whispered. "I will spare you my rath on this day"

**But they're rivalry was just getting started.**


	7. placeholder

Chapter 8 - Another Fight

Aria went to lunch and set next to Joe, who was with his other Riolu friends Kamon and Riley. "Hi I am kamon and this is" "hi I am Riley" Aria waved at them "hi I am Aria and I am a lava riolu which you could probably tell, nice to meet you"

Joe smiled (he had a pretty smile). But then an evil looking Lucario walked up and smacked his bone rush on the table in front of joe, ruining his food. "Hahahahaahahahha"

"What the FUCK" Joe was angry and also not very happy about that. "Why did you do that Poseidon now I am will go hungry!"

Then the bitch Riolu walked up from earlier and stroked Poseidon's bone rush attack. "Aweee isn't that cute are you gonna do something?"

I charged up a lava aura sphere and threw it at the bitch, but it was smacked away by the bone rush.

"Joe!" I yelled. "We have to do something about that stupid bone!"

Joe thought for a moment and then an idea appeared above his head in the form of a light bulb (kind of like in cartoons).

"I know, we can break it!"

He jumped forward and did a series of sexy dodges from when Pisseidon tried to smack him with his bone rush, then Joe caught it and with one moshin snapped it in half! Poseidon screamed and tried to punch him, but I was already lavaing Him so much that he melted in front of everyone.

The hole class cheered and the bitch vomit riolu ran away crying because I just brutally eviscerated her boyfriend. (But I knew she would be fine since she would find another guy to use anyway since that's how women are, except Aria since she is raised right).

Joe and Aria high fived but it was okay because aria turned off her lava so she wouldn't melt him too. "Hey Joe, ummmmmm"

"What is it Aria?" Joe said to Aria

"Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Joe blushes so hard that Aria sees it though his red fur (he is red too I should mention). "Yes!"

Then they kissed and would be happy forever after hopefully, Aria hoped.

Then they did the thing and all was happy, or so they thought…


	8. Joes True Colors

Chapter 8 - Joes True Colers

El Diablo's POV:

I meditated and cut my wrists so my depression could flow freely, and when I did I was shown a vision that my ARIA WAS SLEEPING AND LETTING THAT BOY STICK HIS PENSI IN HER

this would not slide, no NEVER. I would rip his eyeballs out and feed them to my Mighteyana clan.

I extended my bone rush to a length greater than ever before by any Lucario in fucking HISTERY and ran out my house to find them, blood still coming from my arms. I wouldve bled out if I were a normal Lucario but I was strong so I new I would be fine…

I found those two still doing it in the back of a van and so I picked up the entire van and smashed it against a tree.

"RELEASE MY DOTTER!" I yelled at Joe

Joe fell out of the van, pp still hard, blood running from his mouth from the impact. Aria melted her way out and started crying

"I'm sorry daddy I didn't mean to do it"

"Silence" I yelled, "I will deal with you later. As for you…"

Joe was crying, "sir please I-I"

I smacked him with my bone, "You will DIE boy"

Aria screeched at the top of her lava lungs "Bu but but I-I-I **I LOVE HIM **DAD!"

Joes eyes went wide "You love me? Aria why didn't you tell me"

I stopped and felt really bad. "...Aria I didn't realize, I'm so sorry"

Joe became very angry. "You just destroyed my ant's van and you hurt me and Aria, what kind of father are you"

At that point I became so enraged that not even Aria could stop this daddy. I brought my bone rush down in his groin area and shattered his bones into pieces causing him to scream in agony. Aria cheered me on from the sidelines now that she was on my side since Joe was clearly a dick and needed to die.

I let Joe be in pain for a long time before bringing bone rush on his once more this time it was his head. His skull and brain matter exploded everywhere, and he was now probably dead.

"Daddy I'm sorry, I will never disobey you again and will always protect myself from scumbags like him, please don't kick me out" Aria told me. I petted her on the head and then smacked her with my bone rush as well. "That's for being dis oh beedient. But you may come home for dinner I am not THAT cruel."

thus ended another regular day in the family of me, el DIABLO.


End file.
